The Cinch Review

Iowahawk, Joe Biden and High Speed Trains

Take the ingredients in the title above, mix them up, and you have a tantalizing recipe. From Iowahawk: Biden Vows to Jump Canyon by Amtrak. (Given the proclivity of Iowahawk‘s satire to become reality, it seems that the future will be fun, if, perhaps, short-lived.)

Standing on the rim of the gaping two-mile wide chasm of the Grand Canyon in a star-spangled jumpsuit, Joe Biden today announced a new $53 billion federal high speed rail program that will include funding for “SkyTrain X-2,” a new experimental locomotive that, if successful, will make him the first known U.S. Vice President to jump the Grand Canyon by rail.

“This is a big fucking deal – a big fucking deal,” explained Biden. “And I wouldn’t have volunteered for this mission if I didn’t have complete confidence in Amtrak, my good buddy [US Transportation Secretary] Ray LaHood, and Four Loko – the official energy drink of SkyTrain X-2.”

[…]

The $53 billion program announced today would begin with the building of a complex criss-crossing national rail network, the crown jewel of which will be the ‘Sustainability Express’ subterranean solar train, providing non-stop service between Wilmington, DE and Scranton, PA.

“When it is finished in 2046, it will shave nearly 15 minutes off the comparable driving time between Wilmington and Scranton,” boasted the Vice President.

Read it in its entirety.