The Cinch Review

Chaos, Anarchy To Reign in New York

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So goes the news tonight:

Chaos, Anarchy To Reign If [Governor] Paterson Shuts Down NY
Monday Could Be Doomsday If Budget Deal Can’t Be Reached
Shutdown Would Mean Closing Of State Parks, DMV, Courts, N.Y. Lottery

Wow! Well, I’m ready. I’ve been ready for anarchy and chaos in New York City for a long time; I have the necessary resources stored away, and I fully expect to be one of the few survivors in Manhattan. And when everyone else is gone, I plan ultimately to make my home in the old Andrew Carnegie residence on Fifth Avenue, which currently houses the Cooper-Hewitt Museum. Views of the park, very gracious living indeed. Bring on the apocalypse!

However, I must admit that I have my doubts about the truly damaging effects of a temporary “shutdown” of the New York State government.

Let’s see what the consequences might be, based on the list above:

The State Parks would close. That affects all of about 72 people who are in them at any given time. (I mean, we’re not talking Central Park here, but rather the vast green spaces in that part of New York State that is just, well, out of town.)

The DMV would close. So, the good people of New York could hold onto, for a little longer, the money they otherwise have to cough up for those exorbitant licensing fees.

The Courts would close. New Yorkers would have to take a breather from suing one another. Lawyers would get a forced vacation and perhaps some would be led to examine the meaning of their existence.

The NY Lottery would close. Well! All I can say is that I’m shocked, shocked that gambling goes on in New York at all. But just maybe people could find something else to do with all those dollars and dreams. (Something that doesn’t contribute to the wormhole that is the NY State Treasury.)

So, all in all, I guess it’s not time for me to measure for curtains in the Carnegie mansion just yet. Still, when the time comes, fellow Big Apple survivalists are now on notice: I’ve got dibs on those digs. (I also lay claim in advance to all canned food that remains in delis and supermarkets between Fifth and Lexington, from 84th to 92nd streets. I think that’s quite reasonable, considering my planned status as the Prince of Museum Mile.)